"I'm sorry but you will never conceive without me" were the words that seemingly came so easy for this doctor to tell us. Prior to the flooding emotion of devastation my thought bubble filled with "so awkward!". Long story short, there was no viable fallopian tubes in this mama, I was broken, a baby maker I would not be.
Since I was small girl I dreamed of having babies and being a mommy. I even picked out names for these future children. How could this dream really be crushed? How could I not be what I knew in my heart I was made to be?
It must be my husbands fault I secretly thought. His initial lack of desire for children must have been some crazy sort of curse on my fallopian tubes. Yes, I am aware of the ridiculousness of this thought now but at the time it made perfect sense and gave me someone to blame. I wanted a baby, lots of babies and now I couldn't have any?! My heart was aching in a way I had never felt and I had no clue how to deal with this pain.
We left his office with utter hopelessness and seething anger at everything and everyone and sadly each other. As much as I wanted those babies so did my husband. His heart was shattered in a million pieces yet I blamed him and had little compassion for his pain. My selfish desire and anger was all I could see. Eventually he too became angry with me thus forming a great divide between our once knit hearts.
We had prayed to be parents and faithfully believed that God would answer our prayers our way. When He didn't we quit on Him and quit on each other. Our pain turned to anger then turned to callousness and we separated. Less than a year into our blissful matrimony and our world collapsed.
Although the sun shone the darkness of those days only darkened.
That same God who had chosen him for me and me for him with a mighty love for us brought us back together. Our fragmented hearts began to heal and once again intertwine.
Then one day I fell ill. Symptoms plagued me that I had never before felt and I was terrified. Calling my friend for advice she suggested a pregnancy test. Certain that I was dying and not pregnant (as we hadn't involved the doctor in any way) I went to the drug store and bought a pregnancy test and Immodium AD. The cashier looked at me funny as if she needed my verbal justification for my issues and/or purchases so I gave it to her, saying "it's one or the other" and walked out.
Two lines meant..... WHAT THE?!?!?! It had to be a mistake right? I called my husband and he being the wise man that he is told me to call the doctor, you know, the awkward one. Doing so immediately he responded with orders to go straight to the ER as "it" had to be an ectopic pregnancy and I needed an emergency procedure.
My husband and I waited in the cold and sterile smelling room for the doctor to bring in the ultrasound machine. She was the sweetest resident with a tiny voice. A single tear rolled down her cheek as she turned to us and told us to look at our baby that was in just the right place, my womb. Our miracle! Her little blinking light of a heart was by far the most beautiful thing we had ever seen. We  were in love wit hour little miracle.