I am a fan of humans. I am a fan of love.

There is not one single direction one can turn and not hear the hate, feel the rage, see the destruction.   At work it is a topic, at home it becomes nasty disputes, on social media it becomes awful heated arguments with those we never see yet call “friends”.  

Do black lives matter? Yes! Do immigrant lives matter? Yes!  Do Police lives matter? Yes! Do lives matter from the moment of conception? Yes! Gun laws along with thousands of others are flawed. Whether you voted for the man in office or not does not mean you ought to act a fool because you didn’t get your way. We are behaving as utter imbeciles.  Protesting is our right so do it with respect for that and the countless other rights we have. Each life lost in this world no matter the manner in which it was taken is a loss of a precious life. Mourn the loss and refrain from grabbing the pitch fork of blame in haste. If we don’t will it bring back the person we lost? Will it truly bring justice? Can it repair the hole in our hearts? It will prove to only give us instant and empty gratification, leaving a deep wound that needs love to heal remaining.

I am speaking of every story in the news, every hurtful dialogue seen on social media, every topic that causes division, every foul political feud. I myself have had to take a long hard look at my heart as I too want to quickly jump to offer opinions, give my idea of solutions, and point fingers of blame. Personally I came to rest on one question rather than an answer; what am I really a fan of?  I am a fan of humans and love. Some are grossly deranged, some are delicate beauties, some are the same color skin as I and some are not, some shine bright while others shadow evil with each step. I am no better than the next, I am subject to the evil traps of this world, I am the same as all others in one glorious way – I exist because I was created.

Not one of us can solve the entire world’s problems, not one of us can stop the evil that persists, not one of us can shed light on every inch of darkness on this planet alone but together we can!

So, in my own small diverse and magnificently created corner of the world I will do my part to be a fan of humans and be a fan of love. 

Forgiveness and healing are issues of the heart. I find it intriguingly frustrating that with a medical and mental health professional for close to every ailment, there is no magic remedy for forgiveness.
This is where I have been stuck for a while.
On that August day when my husband called me to tell me we were expecting again as God had revealed to him our daughter deep in the bush in Liberia Africa my heart jumped for joy! Four long years later she was finally home on American soil getting to know her family and her new normal. Our  hearts soon broke as we learned of the horrific pain she endured, pain we had no idea that was being inflicted.
The anger set in and took good solid root in a foundation I thought was unable to be penetrated. People are flawed, all people including me. In truth it is me whom I need to concentrate on the most when considering flaws.
Finding ease and even comfort in holding onto anger reflects solely on the one shooting invisible arrows.
Placing my bow aside, breaking away that stone wall built around my heart,


I must continue to allow healing to settle in and light to replace darkness.
In a country far away there are faces and smiles that I miss more than words can describe, There are tastes and smells of food that I long for and laughter that still resounds in my ears. My heart  aches to return to this place in many ways yet a mountain of uncertainty holds me back.

What is certain and crystal clear is that me heart is once again ready for missions.
There really is a professional for every ailment and for my present, past, and inevitably future, there is was, and always will be. He has walked this painful path with me every step of the way.

 

I posted and shared something on my Facebook today. I posted about an incredibly difficult and touchy subject for many. However, for me it is not difficult at all, in fact it is simple in its complexity. 
Rehoming any of my children has never been an option - ever. No matter how they entered this world and became a Neal they are forever ours, forever a Neal.
Oh my, that sounds saint like and so very noble doesn't it? Let's take a step back and talk about what no one wants to talk about.
I have been stolen from, assaulted, threatened, spent countless hours in a multitude of doctors and other professionals offices, gotten to know more police officers than I care to count, chased after run-aways, paid and still owe for treatments and foster care, and shed enough tears to fill a sea.
This world is broken and our children are the victims of that brokenness. They have become products of a society of pain, carrying anguish like a backpack.
We as parents are expected to fix the damage done in so many cases (ie: adoption) of children that are abused, neglected, forgotten, and treated as disposable human trash.
When fear begins to rule and your home is in uncontrolled and utter chaos the thought of rehoming your child may sneak in. There are other options. Options that take long and hard emotional work. The pain our children carry, however they came to own it, is our pain too. We are to help them through it - as hard as that is.
Now, all this being said I also know that there are times that safety is an issue. This is where we lean on the team of professionals we have trusted to be there. It may be tempting to turn away from your team, to blame or feel shame, to find fault in everyone. Pride and fear must take a back seat!
If your team doesn't support you in repairing your family then find another team!
Am I saying that you should allow a dangerous child to have their way? Not in any way, shape or form. Foster homes, treatment centers, and outside services can and may be the answer. In fact, there may be children who never can safely return to the home setting. This does not mean you are not family. Family is forever and everyone's looks different.
Personally, I find different to be beautiful.