Her sweet little voice softly asked as we snuggled "mommy, why did my tummy mommy give me away?"
Open adoption does not simply mean the annual sending of letters and photos to birth families. Open adoption means that we are open with our children about where they came from, all beautiful parts of their story, and willingly place our hearts out there for these hard questions.
Her eyes expectantly awaiting my answer she held onto me as if the tightness of her grip would lessen the pending blow of truth she feared she was about to hear. I wondered how long she had been contemplating asking this question. What had her little mind come up with and imagined as she pondered?  Time froze as I was brought back to the delivery room enveloped in one of the most beautiful moments of my life. Josephine's precious cry brought forth a river of tears from her tummy mommy. This was not a woman that was giving away her child, this was a woman that was giving the most selfless gift a person can give.
Snapping out of my memory I regained focus on her waiting gaze. "She did not give you away, my dear, she gave you life and the gift of a family. She blessed you far beyond what most mommies can even think to do. She gave us the gift of being your parents. She chose you." Curls framing her now content face she spoke in a whisper "I really love her you know" as she drifted off to sleep.
How do we know when and what to say as parents? How do we not fail these angels put in our care? They are fragile and moldable and far too breakable. It baffles me that we were not given individual, child specific manuals for our wee ones. You know the one that would come with a 'this is exactly to do at this very moment at this very stage' manual. Seeing as though this imaginary manual will never exist we must rely on faith.  That same faith that pushes us to take the next step, speak the next word, and love a bit better may very well be our manual.
I have learned to cherish every moment in life as a parent even the rotten ones. Yes, there are moments, some longer than others, that are unbearably painful producing internal scars. However those scars taught me and molded me and broke off chains that held me back. If not for the willingness to endure the pain I would not be delighting in my present comfort and joy.