He is home and the joy is overwhelming in the Neal house. Adoption is a gift, a blessing. 

I have shared numerous updates and photos on social media showing the joy and the gladness in our sons face. But..... Yes, there is always a but in adoption. In the spirit of transparency and truth and in hopes to continue to shed light on adoption I will share the not-so joyous moments with you. 

His delightful seemingly endless smile sometimes fades during the day and his eyes look far off to a place I know is thousands of miles away. He has no words to help us understand how he feels. We have to be that in tune with his eyes, his expressions, his story. I wonder if his birth mother is looking off in the distance the same way? Is she looking with thankfulness and hope for her son and his future or is she looking with sadness and an aching heart. The truth is both. 

Emmanuel left behind a birth mother, a foster family, siblings, friends, and the only "normal" he had ever known. Now he is in the frigid state of Minnesota having to wear layers of clothing every day, see new faces, and learn a whole new "normal". 

This is adoption. 

Feelings fluctuate like a roller coaster during the process of bringing your child home and people often think that once your child is home all is well and that roller coaster stops. Nope! Your ride has just begun, a whole new ride with new twists and turns. 

His siblings love him and they are jealous and they are sad that they can't understand him sometimes. Most of his siblings are adopted and bringing him home brought unwanted feeling to the forefronts of their sweet little minds and hearts. Their joy is mixed with a bit of sadness and unanswered questions.

This is adoption.

Our trip to the pumpkin patch and apple orchard was a blast and E's smile was contagious throughout the day (short of the wagon ride he thought was lame) however it was our roughest night yet. He awoke with his first night terror, yes I said first these are a sure bet after bringing your wee one home to some degree. It took quite a while to get him to wake fully and calm down. Our hearts broke for our little boy. What was his mind thinking? His heart feeling? 

This is adoption.

"You are a saint". This is a commonly made statement when people hear stories such as ours. Let me say that this is false and the only time I want to be seen as a saint is when my children refuse to eat my meatloaf and then if it works I'm down. We are not saints. We are willing to walk through the fire over and over again for the sake of our children whether adopted or not but sainthood I think not. I have no idea how to care for his hair, skin, and know little about CP. Saint? No! Quick learner? Yes and this will save my butt. 

This adds another topic. Why do I not know how to care for these basic needs of my son? In order to answer this I must share a story. 

She called me in the middle of the day saying she was going to leave her baby at the homeless drop-in shelter, she couldn't do it anymore and she would come back for her in a few days. This was a mom I had mentored for a while and she was dear to me. As hard as I tried she would not change her mind so I met her there and we drove to the county to discuss her options. Jason and I were new to fostering and were oh so green but we knew the county would be the place to start for her. Props to the county workers who sat for 3 hours trying to help her understand the long term consequences of this decision. The pain was evident in their faces yet they were so gentle with her. In the end baby was was placed in foster care, in our home. Months went by and mom showed no signs of being able to care for her child, not for a lack of love however. We were asked if we would be willing to be her adoptive family. We were overjoyed! We loved this little one as our own. There is this thing called concurrent planning in the system and it works all angles at one time for the best interest of the child long term. As we were planning for upcoming holidays and shopping for cute little outfits the county was working to find any relatives that did or do not want to adopt her. We knew this and were feeling confident as no one had been found willing. The call came just days before we would sign some papers that an aunt had expressed interest in adopting and a worker would be coming soon to pick her up. The pain is still fresh from the loss of our sweet little girl even after all these years. She was gone in an instant leaving a gaping hole in our hearts and one of the hardest things I have ever done is clean out her closet. Thanksgiving and Christmas outfits, tiny socks, a new winter bunting, and stuffed animals that she would never play with again. This is why I do not know how to care for my new son's hair and skin and know little about CP. The what if's are real and painful and there is always time to learn later. 

This is adoption. 

To make your hearts feel better I can tell you that I had the pleasure of talking with that little darling and her aunt a few years ago and she is doing great. 

This too is adoption. 

It takes an unhuman amount of love and bravery combined with an adventurous, lil' bit of crazy, and passionate spirit to adopt. Its not for the faint of heart yet I have seen some of the most soft spoken, seemingly timid folks be the strongest advocates and outstanding adoptive parents ever. Love does not cure or fix the damage from past wounds nor does love ensure a smooth path ahead. Love does however change our outlook, the way we put one foot in front of the other, the way we press on, the way we endure what comes our way, how we parent, how we live through sleepless nights. Love makes us laugh instead of cry with each new behavior or diagnoses. Love carries us through and is without doubt our foundation. 

Adoption is love.