Grandfather had left the house to mom when he died. She would never say it but to be honest, she could think of nothing crueler. He was the only good thing in her life and now he was gone and she had to live each and every day in the same house that was once her safe place without her safe person. That safe place held cherished memories only to be presumably ruined in the days to come by her mother’s love affair with drugs and alcohol.  

She chose her room and began decorating, making her statement, and adjusting to her new normal. Her room had a door that led out to the black tar garage roof which, at just thirteen was the ideal place to bake in the sun. After all, being tan was critical to being cool so at least she was grateful for this. That door would also come in handy later for sneaking out at night.

It wasn’t hard to decorate when you didn’t have much. Things came and went in her life. As the need would arise for more cash mom would pawn anything she could and when there was money to spare she would (sometimes) replace it with some thrift shop junk. However, some things still held enough importance and emotional value that no matter what her mother would hold onto them. Jewelry, nick knacks, old records, and some art work were tokens of hope for her. Her hope was one of these items would yank her mother from the depths of her desire for the next fix and slam the door on addiction. It didn’t work this way and she knew it but a girl could dream.

Her brother was still small enough to not fully comprehend the dysfunction in which he lived in. His room was right next to hers and in it hung bright red, blue, and yellow fabric balloons on the wall. His crib bedding matched the wall hanging making it all cheerily flow. Her heart felt a rush of terrifying and delightful awareness each time she looked at his sweet little chubby cheeked face. She was smart enough to know how to care for his basic needs when their mother couldn’t but she was in a constant fight to keep her own head above water. How was she going to ensure he would be okay? She had to shake the thought when it dared enter. There wasn’t any time for that or any reason she supposed.  Keep moving she told herself, just keep moving.