Nearing Christmas the house was ablaze with lights and overkill on decor. Our festive environment encompassing us all with hints of holiday spirit. In our tiny little house lived our ever changing and ever growing family. Four kids and mom and pops crowed in yet there was and always will be a 'vacancy' sign up.
Our weekend on call proved to bring about blessing and excitement that night with a call from the social worker. Just a short stay was what we were told. Our very first teenager! To be honest here we had full intentions of not bonding with another child so as to never feel hurt again. Yeah, that was stupid! The delivery was made and we met her at the door with shining eyes and overly large smiles, ready to love all of the pain away. We were not met with the same enthusiasm to say the least.
Our festive home with all of its Christmas cheer and outstanding decorating (if I do say so myself) did not impress her one lick of spit. So we tried the "we are here for you and love you" speech that produced flames from her ears. Okay, we need a different approach quick but uh oh there is a problem. We are clueless!! Good on our toes we promptly faked it and pretended to know exactly how to parent a teenager. Yep, she was on to us immediately. Whew, we were only an hour or so in and this was exhausting.
Then it happened, her eyes locked with mine and she was mad, really mad. I was the lucky one who got to be the target of her fear, anger, confusion, the whole ball of wax. What an honor! I had nothing but raw truth and transparent me to offer. I told her my story and my lack of pity for the fit she was throwing yet understood her being upset while not knowing her exact feelings. This was followed by the Neal house rules of respect and then........
SILENCE.
Deafening silence with eyes locked. This was the excitement for the following four hours. We stood two feet apart with no words, eyes glued with some sort of invisible super glue for four hours for a reason. She wanted me to quit. She knew I would, or she thought I would. Not this mama! My heart said all it needed to say in that silence. You are worth it and I care. Finally she looked away and went to her room. Exhaustion set in as I sat down and I wept for this child whom I now loved. Darn it, we weren't going to bond!
Nearly a year of a magnificent roller coaster ride with her ended and she went back home.
There were food fights and laughter so hard we could barely breathe, screaming so loud our ears felt as if they would burst, silly faces every morning, running away, coffee always on for the officers that even fell in love with her, her practical jokes on dad, and endless more memories made. We missed our little ball of spunk.
I am happy to say that that little ball of spunk is now a grown up ball of spunk with determination and yes still spunk! She is a gem and we are so grateful that we got to fill in for a bit.
Vacancy
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
Monday, November 9, 2015
Neal's 'family meeting' time!
Fidgeting fingers and bouncy bodies and thought filled minds attempt to focus as our weekly family meeting, now long over due, begins. As Jason starts us off with a devotion of gratitude and hope, his words blanketing us all with love, I visually examine each one of my children. One is turned with one ear facing dad while building a castle out of blocks while one is hanging over the sofa fidgeting with the carpet. Another has their hood up and pulled tight and picks at fingers, another snuggles in as close as humanly possible to mom. While yet another desperately tries not to touch their phone, and another fights the boredom of the moments lacking play and begins to search for toe jam, lastly another attempts to understand the need for such a time as this.
The above word picture may make some cringe as you personally visualize the scene. Our society tells us that those children ought to be sitting still and focusing their attention on the adult speaking. Our society is in love with "normal" however that is a cuss word in our home. We don't do "normal" we do unique and personal and meaningful. Individualize your life - this is what we do at the Neal home. So as you envision the word picture I will unpack it a bit. Those children are feeling uneasy about what they may hear, what they may want to say, what emotions they will see and trying to remember the appropriate response to those emotions. They are secretly hoping that they do not need to unleash an uncomfortable emotion, yet also excited that we are spending this time together although it is tough it is cherished, and of course their internal battles with telling their bodies to sit still and their minds to focus yet only to have wandering thoughts of ponies and Minecraft. I applaud their ability to remain in the room!
We cherish our family meeting times in the Neal house. It is a time to "let it all out" and get updated as a team. The kids, even though they spend endless hours with one another often know little about what the others are thinking or going through. This is a time that opens that door to conversation and understanding.
This meeting had a focus of all things new in the Neal home. We have moved, we have new schools, and we have a new brother (that mom had to go away to get and now has been in the hospital too much). That is A LOT!
My heart feeling saturated in more love than humanly possible swelled as our meeting ensued. Little hearts and minds openly sharing their not so deep and some really deep thoughts and feelings. Our meeting ended with everyone on the same sheet of music, knowing what one another is thinking, going through, and rejoicing about in their lives. Did you know that Josie is proud of her ability to see sight words all over the world? She wants everyone to know that and now her siblings know and want to help point out sight words too.
When we sit and listen, really listen to each other we learn new things that deepen our love for who we are.
Family meetings are a great way to focus in on what matters in our lives, our families and it has no bearing on the size of the family.
Questions about how to make this work in your home? I am the self proclaimed "Come Hell or High Water I Will Make These Family Meetings Work Even Through All My Epic Fails" Queen. My failures eventually turned learned successes are not secret and I would love to share ideas with you.
Fidgeting fingers and bouncy bodies and thought filled minds attempt to focus as our weekly family meeting, now long over due, begins. As Jason starts us off with a devotion of gratitude and hope, his words blanketing us all with love, I visually examine each one of my children. One is turned with one ear facing dad while building a castle out of blocks while one is hanging over the sofa fidgeting with the carpet. Another has their hood up and pulled tight and picks at fingers, another snuggles in as close as humanly possible to mom. While yet another desperately tries not to touch their phone, and another fights the boredom of the moments lacking play and begins to search for toe jam, lastly another attempts to understand the need for such a time as this.
The above word picture may make some cringe as you personally visualize the scene. Our society tells us that those children ought to be sitting still and focusing their attention on the adult speaking. Our society is in love with "normal" however that is a cuss word in our home. We don't do "normal" we do unique and personal and meaningful. Individualize your life - this is what we do at the Neal home. So as you envision the word picture I will unpack it a bit. Those children are feeling uneasy about what they may hear, what they may want to say, what emotions they will see and trying to remember the appropriate response to those emotions. They are secretly hoping that they do not need to unleash an uncomfortable emotion, yet also excited that we are spending this time together although it is tough it is cherished, and of course their internal battles with telling their bodies to sit still and their minds to focus yet only to have wandering thoughts of ponies and Minecraft. I applaud their ability to remain in the room!
We cherish our family meeting times in the Neal house. It is a time to "let it all out" and get updated as a team. The kids, even though they spend endless hours with one another often know little about what the others are thinking or going through. This is a time that opens that door to conversation and understanding.
This meeting had a focus of all things new in the Neal home. We have moved, we have new schools, and we have a new brother (that mom had to go away to get and now has been in the hospital too much). That is A LOT!
My heart feeling saturated in more love than humanly possible swelled as our meeting ensued. Little hearts and minds openly sharing their not so deep and some really deep thoughts and feelings. Our meeting ended with everyone on the same sheet of music, knowing what one another is thinking, going through, and rejoicing about in their lives. Did you know that Josie is proud of her ability to see sight words all over the world? She wants everyone to know that and now her siblings know and want to help point out sight words too.
When we sit and listen, really listen to each other we learn new things that deepen our love for who we are.
Family meetings are a great way to focus in on what matters in our lives, our families and it has no bearing on the size of the family.
Questions about how to make this work in your home? I am the self proclaimed "Come Hell or High Water I Will Make These Family Meetings Work Even Through All My Epic Fails" Queen. My failures eventually turned learned successes are not secret and I would love to share ideas with you.
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
"We lost the poop".
For many this may be the silliest or grossest thing you have heard, however let me share with you how devastating this was to our ears and why we heard these words.
Yesterday morning I received a call from our pediatrician informing me that our new son's lab work had come back with some significant concerns and we needed to be admitted that afternoon. The news hit hard, harder than I expected. Honestly, why I don't know but my ears and heart were prepared for multiple things, however it seems just not one I didn't know about. Syphilis from birth. What?!
Taken aback by this news and the urgency to get him to the hospital along with my lack of understanding of this diagnosis brought forth a raging river of uncontrollable tears.
Pulling myself together following calls to my family, I robotically packed a bag for my son and I and prepared to leave.
Upon arriving a feeling of unease consumed as far too many people knew his name, they were waiting for him and that brought no comfort. Admission was fast and friendly with tons of smiles. Then began the barrage of ologists and specialists and never heard before terminology. Plans were made, history was discussed, questions were asked, blood was drawn, ears were cleaned, potty was measured, and on and on. Whew it was like a friendly circus of new faces and friends. All of which Emmanuel loved, yes even the vampire. He found him quite funny actually.
And.... the most treasured gift Emmanuel can give the doctors had of course requested, the POOP! This gift my friends is given only every couple of days and takes a great deal of effort. Hence making this a treasure. Well, Emmanuel being the rock star that he is gifted the doctors along with the entire sixth floor with his odoriferous treasure last night. Then came the worst news; the wrong specimen container was used. We lost the poop!
So as we await our lumbar puncture and other tests that are stressful and no fun we are choosing to focus on Emmanuel's hidden treasure.
Please I beg you, dear friends, to join us in the poop prayer.
(Serious prayers coveted of course)
For many this may be the silliest or grossest thing you have heard, however let me share with you how devastating this was to our ears and why we heard these words.
Yesterday morning I received a call from our pediatrician informing me that our new son's lab work had come back with some significant concerns and we needed to be admitted that afternoon. The news hit hard, harder than I expected. Honestly, why I don't know but my ears and heart were prepared for multiple things, however it seems just not one I didn't know about. Syphilis from birth. What?!
Taken aback by this news and the urgency to get him to the hospital along with my lack of understanding of this diagnosis brought forth a raging river of uncontrollable tears.
Pulling myself together following calls to my family, I robotically packed a bag for my son and I and prepared to leave.
Upon arriving a feeling of unease consumed as far too many people knew his name, they were waiting for him and that brought no comfort. Admission was fast and friendly with tons of smiles. Then began the barrage of ologists and specialists and never heard before terminology. Plans were made, history was discussed, questions were asked, blood was drawn, ears were cleaned, potty was measured, and on and on. Whew it was like a friendly circus of new faces and friends. All of which Emmanuel loved, yes even the vampire. He found him quite funny actually.
And.... the most treasured gift Emmanuel can give the doctors had of course requested, the POOP! This gift my friends is given only every couple of days and takes a great deal of effort. Hence making this a treasure. Well, Emmanuel being the rock star that he is gifted the doctors along with the entire sixth floor with his odoriferous treasure last night. Then came the worst news; the wrong specimen container was used. We lost the poop!
So as we await our lumbar puncture and other tests that are stressful and no fun we are choosing to focus on Emmanuel's hidden treasure.
Please I beg you, dear friends, to join us in the poop prayer.
(Serious prayers coveted of course)
Monday, November 2, 2015
Her heart was pouring out through tear filled words as she asked us to take her child. Emotion had overtaken her. She was in a rough spot yet had the strength to do something even a harder for her child. I will never forget that call, that day, or the sound in her voice. Her pain, her selflessness, her love was evident.
Our daughter, her daughter, knows only this beauty about her and loves her dearly.
Months passed, endless paperwork was filled out, meetings were had, joy and laughter shared, and then came the long awaited gift of the call. Mom was in labor and wanted me to come. We left this up in the air so mom could sort through her emotions without pressure. So it was a delightful surprise to get this call. The room was filled with love and joyous hearts awaiting our princess. I was there when she was born! Grandma was there with her expertise and love and support. It was truly beautiful, magnificent really.
Mom did what most would say can't be (emotionally) done; she held her and breast fed her. They don't know the strength and depth of love of this woman!
Our sweet girl was tiny and a bit undercooked so she spent some time in the NICU, nineteen days to be exact. That was tough for all of us. Mom now had to prolong the pain of placing her child and we had to wait and wonder if she would change her mind. Instead of choosing to look at it negatively mom invited me to come into the NICU with her and together we loved on our sweet girl. Jason and I both spent every moment we could there but I can honestly say that my favorite moments were when mom and I would look down at this baby we both loved and stare in silence. Oh how I admire this woman.
The day came for Josie to go home. The plan mom had was her and Grandma would bring her to us at our house rather than us take her. Even that word "take" seems hard on the ears, let alone the heart doesn't it? Instead mom replaced that harsh word with one of love. Love that simply cannot be defined nor explained. She had planned to bring her child to us and we would all spend time together around our little blessing.
The moment we opened the door an odd mix of feelings arose. We were receiving a gift like no other, an unimaginably one of a kind breathtaking gift. The gift of a child. The arms that held that child also held eyes of the giver of this gift. This woman had carried, felt every kick, spent sleepless nights with nausea, wept for, and dreamt of a bright future for her child. Here she was in front of us with our Josie, our gift. Her grandmother next to her with silent tears streaming was radiant with love for her grandchild.
This moment was imprinted on our hearts as one never to be far from our minds. A true picture of love.
It has been several years since we have seen these women but have been in contact. What most people don't know is how painful it is to look back on this beautiful moment from their view. We have and hold Josie each and every day. They don't and that hurts. That hurt is one I have been close to and witnessed yet never felt. I cannot begin to imagine how it feels each mother's day, birthday, first day of school, and so on. I say this so you all can understand it is (at least in our case) not for a lack of desire or love but of great pain that few of us will ever understand that birth family - adoptive families connect.
Through that pain and loss Josie's grandmother pushed forward. She contacted me and asked for a get together. We were delighted! We didn't tell Josie until the morning of as we knew she would be too excited to sleep. We were right and she could barely focus on school that day and upon walking in the door exclaimed "hurry up we are going to be late to meet my tummy grandma"! We had the sweetest visit and Josie loves her 'tummy grandma' so much. She showed her photos of her life and of her tummy mommy as a child and told her all about herself. Josie already felt as though she knew her at least a little because grandma never misses a birthday or holiday with a special card and a coin or dollar in it. As our visit came to an end Josie asked her grandma of she would come to our house sometime. You should have seem her smile when she said yes!
I can't wait to watch this love continue to grow.
Our daughter, her daughter, knows only this beauty about her and loves her dearly.
Months passed, endless paperwork was filled out, meetings were had, joy and laughter shared, and then came the long awaited gift of the call. Mom was in labor and wanted me to come. We left this up in the air so mom could sort through her emotions without pressure. So it was a delightful surprise to get this call. The room was filled with love and joyous hearts awaiting our princess. I was there when she was born! Grandma was there with her expertise and love and support. It was truly beautiful, magnificent really.
Mom did what most would say can't be (emotionally) done; she held her and breast fed her. They don't know the strength and depth of love of this woman!
Our sweet girl was tiny and a bit undercooked so she spent some time in the NICU, nineteen days to be exact. That was tough for all of us. Mom now had to prolong the pain of placing her child and we had to wait and wonder if she would change her mind. Instead of choosing to look at it negatively mom invited me to come into the NICU with her and together we loved on our sweet girl. Jason and I both spent every moment we could there but I can honestly say that my favorite moments were when mom and I would look down at this baby we both loved and stare in silence. Oh how I admire this woman.
The day came for Josie to go home. The plan mom had was her and Grandma would bring her to us at our house rather than us take her. Even that word "take" seems hard on the ears, let alone the heart doesn't it? Instead mom replaced that harsh word with one of love. Love that simply cannot be defined nor explained. She had planned to bring her child to us and we would all spend time together around our little blessing.
The moment we opened the door an odd mix of feelings arose. We were receiving a gift like no other, an unimaginably one of a kind breathtaking gift. The gift of a child. The arms that held that child also held eyes of the giver of this gift. This woman had carried, felt every kick, spent sleepless nights with nausea, wept for, and dreamt of a bright future for her child. Here she was in front of us with our Josie, our gift. Her grandmother next to her with silent tears streaming was radiant with love for her grandchild.
This moment was imprinted on our hearts as one never to be far from our minds. A true picture of love.
It has been several years since we have seen these women but have been in contact. What most people don't know is how painful it is to look back on this beautiful moment from their view. We have and hold Josie each and every day. They don't and that hurts. That hurt is one I have been close to and witnessed yet never felt. I cannot begin to imagine how it feels each mother's day, birthday, first day of school, and so on. I say this so you all can understand it is (at least in our case) not for a lack of desire or love but of great pain that few of us will ever understand that birth family - adoptive families connect.
Through that pain and loss Josie's grandmother pushed forward. She contacted me and asked for a get together. We were delighted! We didn't tell Josie until the morning of as we knew she would be too excited to sleep. We were right and she could barely focus on school that day and upon walking in the door exclaimed "hurry up we are going to be late to meet my tummy grandma"! We had the sweetest visit and Josie loves her 'tummy grandma' so much. She showed her photos of her life and of her tummy mommy as a child and told her all about herself. Josie already felt as though she knew her at least a little because grandma never misses a birthday or holiday with a special card and a coin or dollar in it. As our visit came to an end Josie asked her grandma of she would come to our house sometime. You should have seem her smile when she said yes!
I can't wait to watch this love continue to grow.
Thursday, October 29, 2015
The ultimate challenge has been set before me. This challenge is held in the eyes of my new son. It is a deep desire and longing emanating from his eyes. He looks at his siblings with near worshipful beaming eyes as they ride their bikes, run around the house, and simply stand up.
Pity? Not one ounce. Those same eyes look down at his own legs and broken feet and the look transforms into one of determination I have never seen. He smiles big, scoots over to the nearest and highest table and pulls himself up. He stands on those broken feet held on by frail and skinny legs and lights up. He is proud!
He brings me to his wheelchair and wants to go outside, to go fast, to push it himself. He wants to run!
I stare at my son as if he is an infant, taking all of him in, his every move, facial change, learning him and loving more and more each moment. I study him and he studies me. I wonder if he has figured out that I don't run?
I really don't run, ever. I am really good at many other things and there are plenty of other runners in this house. Leaving the running to them has settled just fine in my soul until now. Until those eyes.
You see, I really like to workout too, for a while until I get the desired result and then I sputter out. I think honestly that my husbands significant addiction to physical activity must be balanced out by my conditional love for it. Well, that thought has been challenged by those eyes.
So as I look at those eyes and as he learns more and more words the day is nearing that the gleam may fade if his hopes are crushed. I have to battle with the albeit sounding crazy struggle of the question of, 'will I run for and with him'?
My struggle thoughts :
Running hurts my lungs
At 42 my bladder is not a fan of running
It is cold in MN like 361 days of the year
Running hurts my legs
Do I really have time?
Oh and lets not forget that running hurts
Emmanuel's realities:
He only runs if someone runs with him (for now)
He feels tremendous pain everyday and smiles!
He thinks bladder issues are hilarious
He can squeeze it in his schedule
I will run for and with my son!
*If you see me and I have the look of death on my face please refrain from calling 911 and if you think my legs appear overly sweaty kindly throw me a Depends and move on.
Pity? Not one ounce. Those same eyes look down at his own legs and broken feet and the look transforms into one of determination I have never seen. He smiles big, scoots over to the nearest and highest table and pulls himself up. He stands on those broken feet held on by frail and skinny legs and lights up. He is proud!
He brings me to his wheelchair and wants to go outside, to go fast, to push it himself. He wants to run!
I stare at my son as if he is an infant, taking all of him in, his every move, facial change, learning him and loving more and more each moment. I study him and he studies me. I wonder if he has figured out that I don't run?
I really don't run, ever. I am really good at many other things and there are plenty of other runners in this house. Leaving the running to them has settled just fine in my soul until now. Until those eyes.
You see, I really like to workout too, for a while until I get the desired result and then I sputter out. I think honestly that my husbands significant addiction to physical activity must be balanced out by my conditional love for it. Well, that thought has been challenged by those eyes.
So as I look at those eyes and as he learns more and more words the day is nearing that the gleam may fade if his hopes are crushed. I have to battle with the albeit sounding crazy struggle of the question of, 'will I run for and with him'?
My struggle thoughts :
Running hurts my lungs
At 42 my bladder is not a fan of running
It is cold in MN like 361 days of the year
Running hurts my legs
Do I really have time?
Oh and lets not forget that running hurts
Emmanuel's realities:
He only runs if someone runs with him (for now)
He feels tremendous pain everyday and smiles!
He thinks bladder issues are hilarious
He can squeeze it in his schedule
I will run for and with my son!
Wednesday, October 28, 2015
Yesterday proved to be a day for the books!
The blonde (a bit too blonde) hair attempting to uphold my deceptive yet understandably far-reaching goal to maintain the age of 29 simply had to go. Suspicion was telling me that just maybe a few folks were on to me anyway.
Sitting in the chair awaiting my "grown up" hair color, my one and only stylist and I chatted away in the lack of presence of children, in itself a small gift. As our topics floated one direction to another it came out that she had just styled one of our foster sons. My heart swelled as she told me all the kind words he said and all the memories he shared with her about his time with us but one thing he said took my breath away. He said that we are the reason he wants to do foster care. This young man always had a smile on and could charm anyone and his heart was and is just as big as that smile. I cannot think of a better foster parent! What a blessing this was to hear and along with my hair taking its new personality I thought to myself "this is a great day"!
I would have settled for that however more blessings were to come my way. No joke, 10 minutes later I received a message from another foster child that saying he misses us a lot and wants to see us and is moving back in our direction. Yet another young man who stole our hearts that we miss daily. Joy was flowing from my eyes just thinking about seeing him again. this guy is one of the funniest and most talented young men out there. If there was a picture in the dictionary for perseverance it would show him! I cannot wait to see him!!
Again this would have been plenty for one day or month for that matter however......
Yep, more blessing! My hair still processing and growing up I was unable to answer a call I received form a friend. Letting it go to voice mail I was able to check it on speaker (yes I did this in the salon - how rude) but I am pretty sure that all ears that heard it were more than touched just as I was. My friend called only to say how thankful she was to see us celebrate our sons 'firsts', being an example, and telling me I am an amazing mom. As she lovingly spoke these words she spoke so deep into my mommy heart that I wept. I am so glad that I let this call go to voice mail as I can and will keep this forever. Words are so powerful and these were ones I was uplifted by and will never forget.
I am certain that the design of this day was not mine and although the blessings are mine to hold the glory is not mine but belongs to the Creator of it all.
Today may not be as fluffy feeling as Emmanuel goes for his first doctor appointment. I would love to be able to say that I am prepared for the words that will be spoken today but that would be a lie. In all honesty I rarely feel fear however I am struggling with this today as I look at my sweet boy and know his future holds some big hurdles. Please do not interpret this as deflated joy or lack of hope it is simply reality and together the Neal clan will walk this out along side our little guy. Funny how words can cause so many emotions and have the power to change lives. Praying that the words we hear today our hearts are ready for.
Clinging to that blanket of blessings from yesterday!
The blonde (a bit too blonde) hair attempting to uphold my deceptive yet understandably far-reaching goal to maintain the age of 29 simply had to go. Suspicion was telling me that just maybe a few folks were on to me anyway.
Sitting in the chair awaiting my "grown up" hair color, my one and only stylist and I chatted away in the lack of presence of children, in itself a small gift. As our topics floated one direction to another it came out that she had just styled one of our foster sons. My heart swelled as she told me all the kind words he said and all the memories he shared with her about his time with us but one thing he said took my breath away. He said that we are the reason he wants to do foster care. This young man always had a smile on and could charm anyone and his heart was and is just as big as that smile. I cannot think of a better foster parent! What a blessing this was to hear and along with my hair taking its new personality I thought to myself "this is a great day"!
I would have settled for that however more blessings were to come my way. No joke, 10 minutes later I received a message from another foster child that saying he misses us a lot and wants to see us and is moving back in our direction. Yet another young man who stole our hearts that we miss daily. Joy was flowing from my eyes just thinking about seeing him again. this guy is one of the funniest and most talented young men out there. If there was a picture in the dictionary for perseverance it would show him! I cannot wait to see him!!
Again this would have been plenty for one day or month for that matter however......
Yep, more blessing! My hair still processing and growing up I was unable to answer a call I received form a friend. Letting it go to voice mail I was able to check it on speaker (yes I did this in the salon - how rude) but I am pretty sure that all ears that heard it were more than touched just as I was. My friend called only to say how thankful she was to see us celebrate our sons 'firsts', being an example, and telling me I am an amazing mom. As she lovingly spoke these words she spoke so deep into my mommy heart that I wept. I am so glad that I let this call go to voice mail as I can and will keep this forever. Words are so powerful and these were ones I was uplifted by and will never forget.
I am certain that the design of this day was not mine and although the blessings are mine to hold the glory is not mine but belongs to the Creator of it all.
Today may not be as fluffy feeling as Emmanuel goes for his first doctor appointment. I would love to be able to say that I am prepared for the words that will be spoken today but that would be a lie. In all honesty I rarely feel fear however I am struggling with this today as I look at my sweet boy and know his future holds some big hurdles. Please do not interpret this as deflated joy or lack of hope it is simply reality and together the Neal clan will walk this out along side our little guy. Funny how words can cause so many emotions and have the power to change lives. Praying that the words we hear today our hearts are ready for.
Clinging to that blanket of blessings from yesterday!
Monday, October 26, 2015
He is home and the joy is overwhelming in the Neal house. Adoption is a gift, a blessing.
It takes an unhuman amount of love and bravery combined with an adventurous, lil' bit of crazy, and passionate spirit to adopt. Its not for the faint of heart yet I have seen some of the most soft spoken, seemingly timid folks be the strongest advocates and outstanding adoptive parents ever. Love does not cure or fix the damage from past wounds nor does love ensure a smooth path ahead. Love does however change our outlook, the way we put one foot in front of the other, the way we press on, the way we endure what comes our way, how we parent, how we live through sleepless nights. Love makes us laugh instead of cry with each new behavior or diagnoses. Love carries us through and is without doubt our foundation.
I have shared numerous updates and photos on social media showing the joy and the gladness in our sons face. But..... Yes, there is always a but in adoption. In the spirit of transparency and truth and in hopes to continue to shed light on adoption I will share the not-so joyous moments with you.
His delightful seemingly endless smile sometimes fades during the day and his eyes look far off to a place I know is thousands of miles away. He has no words to help us understand how he feels. We have to be that in tune with his eyes, his expressions, his story. I wonder if his birth mother is looking off in the distance the same way? Is she looking with thankfulness and hope for her son and his future or is she looking with sadness and an aching heart. The truth is both.
Emmanuel left behind a birth mother, a foster family, siblings, friends, and the only "normal" he had ever known. Now he is in the frigid state of Minnesota having to wear layers of clothing every day, see new faces, and learn a whole new "normal".
This is adoption.
Feelings fluctuate like a roller coaster during the process of bringing your child home and people often think that once your child is home all is well and that roller coaster stops. Nope! Your ride has just begun, a whole new ride with new twists and turns.
His siblings love him and they are jealous and they are sad that they can't understand him sometimes. Most of his siblings are adopted and bringing him home brought unwanted feeling to the forefronts of their sweet little minds and hearts. Their joy is mixed with a bit of sadness and unanswered questions.
This is adoption.
Our trip to the pumpkin patch and apple orchard was a blast and E's smile was contagious throughout the day (short of the wagon ride he thought was lame) however it was our roughest night yet. He awoke with his first night terror, yes I said first these are a sure bet after bringing your wee one home to some degree. It took quite a while to get him to wake fully and calm down. Our hearts broke for our little boy. What was his mind thinking? His heart feeling?
This is adoption.
"You are a saint". This is a commonly made statement when people hear stories such as ours. Let me say that this is false and the only time I want to be seen as a saint is when my children refuse to eat my meatloaf and then if it works I'm down. We are not saints. We are willing to walk through the fire over and over again for the sake of our children whether adopted or not but sainthood I think not. I have no idea how to care for his hair, skin, and know little about CP. Saint? No! Quick learner? Yes and this will save my butt.
This adds another topic. Why do I not know how to care for these basic needs of my son? In order to answer this I must share a story.
She called me in the middle of the day saying she was going to leave her baby at the homeless drop-in shelter, she couldn't do it anymore and she would come back for her in a few days. This was a mom I had mentored for a while and she was dear to me. As hard as I tried she would not change her mind so I met her there and we drove to the county to discuss her options. Jason and I were new to fostering and were oh so green but we knew the county would be the place to start for her. Props to the county workers who sat for 3 hours trying to help her understand the long term consequences of this decision. The pain was evident in their faces yet they were so gentle with her. In the end baby was was placed in foster care, in our home. Months went by and mom showed no signs of being able to care for her child, not for a lack of love however. We were asked if we would be willing to be her adoptive family. We were overjoyed! We loved this little one as our own. There is this thing called concurrent planning in the system and it works all angles at one time for the best interest of the child long term. As we were planning for upcoming holidays and shopping for cute little outfits the county was working to find any relatives that did or do not want to adopt her. We knew this and were feeling confident as no one had been found willing. The call came just days before we would sign some papers that an aunt had expressed interest in adopting and a worker would be coming soon to pick her up. The pain is still fresh from the loss of our sweet little girl even after all these years. She was gone in an instant leaving a gaping hole in our hearts and one of the hardest things I have ever done is clean out her closet. Thanksgiving and Christmas outfits, tiny socks, a new winter bunting, and stuffed animals that she would never play with again. This is why I do not know how to care for my new son's hair and skin and know little about CP. The what if's are real and painful and there is always time to learn later.
This is adoption.
To make your hearts feel better I can tell you that I had the pleasure of talking with that little darling and her aunt a few years ago and she is doing great.
This too is adoption.
It takes an unhuman amount of love and bravery combined with an adventurous, lil' bit of crazy, and passionate spirit to adopt. Its not for the faint of heart yet I have seen some of the most soft spoken, seemingly timid folks be the strongest advocates and outstanding adoptive parents ever. Love does not cure or fix the damage from past wounds nor does love ensure a smooth path ahead. Love does however change our outlook, the way we put one foot in front of the other, the way we press on, the way we endure what comes our way, how we parent, how we live through sleepless nights. Love makes us laugh instead of cry with each new behavior or diagnoses. Love carries us through and is without doubt our foundation.
Adoption is love.
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