My emotional, rabbit trail blog....... this day holds so much.....

Do Not Resuscitate - some of the heaviest and trauma filled words I have ever had to hear. I can't even recall the face of the doctor or his name, it was all a blur really. However through that pain and blur I had to find the strength to say one of two small words - yes or no. Those words never seemed as big as that day, big and selfish and unbearable. Finding the strength deep within I said yes.
My mother was suffering, there was no doubt about that and the doctors could do no more to repair what she had done to her body over the years. Even with that knowledge it made it no easier. June 18th the phone rang and my heart sank at the words being spoken. She was gone. Then came the tide of emotions. Anger, sadness, guilt, remorse, relief, peace even attempted sneak in, confusion, fear, free. Sorting them out wasn't easy and proved to be a lengthy process. In fact I am certain I am not done grieving and that's okay.
This day holds my mother.

My original plan was to write about my reflections of our time away but then came the memories of years past and well, that changed the plan. I suppose those memories are meant to be a part of my reflections as well, and as intertwined as they are so will my blog be.

Our first family vacation with Emmanuel home held great anticipation. Planning for our family size is challenging enough and then we add in the emotional expectations of yet another first for our little boy. My mother's heart wanted only the best time had and the best memories made.
We started out on our great adventure to the Black Hills of South Dakota with our van packed and mom made activity books, a perfectly planned trip was underway. With fabulous foresight we purchased a couple of ibooks chosen by the children, one of which was turned on right away, 'Out Of My Mind' by Sharon M. Draper.
By the end of the first chapter my meticulously planned and dreamed up hopes for our trip faded into a magnificent new reality. What does my son want for this trip? What would he say if he could tell me, ask me? I wrapped my mind around the new idea forming. Let's let him show us and tell us what he wants on this trip. He has no problem getting his point across and being heard so why not let him? Thus far he has informed us of his disgust for leaving fun places and not being able to take snakes home with him, his love for the beach and fearless desire to open reptile enclosures. He has shown us he is not one bit claustrophobic, he is not impressed by huge animals next to the van, loves all creatures and believes ice cream ought to be eaten with every meal. I am not sure if he understands what a perfectly planned vacation is however I am positive that he understands the value of time together. His favorite part of the vacation thus far is being fought over by his siblings. He loves to hear "no I want to be Emmanuel's buddy" and he just laughs with delight. So do I!
This day holds my beautifully failed plans.

The cabin was quiet as my eyes opened and begged to focus, a very welcome peaceful sense of quiet. Jason, Titus, and Miriam had long since left for their hike up Harney Peak and Kira, Dayton, and Jordan had begun their trek back to Minnesota in the wee hours of the sunless morning. Yes, Kira and her boyfriend Jordan came out mid week and joined us on vacation. It wasn't planned nor was the heartbreaking news of her miscarrying the baby that was already deeply loved. Family and some rest and relaxation were in need for both her and Jordan. So they drove out to meet us. Seeing them relax and be refreshed and getting to love on them was a blessing. Collectively we grieved in our own ways, some silently, some used words, some just cried,  nonetheless we all miss baby Elijah.
This day holds my grandson.

In the stillness of the morning with a cup of blueberry tea in hand my thoughts drift to my adventurous husband taking two of our kids up a mountain. His love for the outdoors, adrenaline rushes, and his kids combined never fail to make good stories. The anticipated stories came as the children burst through the cabin door already talking a mile a minute. Stories of the mountain goat dad refused to let Miriam pet and try to take home, stories of the competition between siblings, stories of my sons need to use the bathroom the entire hike.  Laughter and memories fill the cabin with joy as my husbands looks at his children with great pride.
This day holds my memory making husband and best father in the world.