The ultimate challenge has been set before me. This challenge is held in the eyes of my new son. It is a deep desire and longing emanating from his eyes. He looks at his siblings with near worshipful beaming eyes as they ride their bikes, run around the house, and simply stand up.
Pity? Not one ounce. Those same eyes look down at his own legs and broken feet and the look transforms into one of determination I have never seen. He smiles big, scoots over to the nearest and highest table and pulls himself up. He stands on those broken feet held on by frail and skinny legs and lights up. He is proud!
He brings me to his wheelchair and wants to go outside, to go fast, to push it himself. He wants to run!
I stare at my son as if he is an infant, taking all of him in, his every move, facial change, learning him and loving more and more each moment. I study him and he studies me. I wonder if he has figured out that I don't run?
I really don't run, ever. I am really good at many other things and there are plenty of other runners in this house. Leaving the running to them has settled just fine in my soul until now. Until those eyes.
You see, I really like to workout too, for a while until I get the desired result and then I sputter out. I think honestly that my husbands significant addiction to physical activity must be balanced out by my conditional love for it. Well, that thought has been challenged by those eyes.
So as I look at those eyes and as he learns more and more words the day is nearing that the gleam may fade if his hopes are crushed. I have to battle with the albeit sounding crazy struggle of the question of, 'will I run for and with him'?
My struggle thoughts :
Running hurts my lungs
At 42 my bladder is not a fan of running
It is cold in MN like 361 days of the year
Running hurts my legs
Do I really have time?
Oh and lets not forget that running hurts

Emmanuel's realities:
He only runs if someone runs with him (for now)
He feels tremendous pain everyday and smiles!
He  thinks bladder issues are hilarious
He can squeeze it in his schedule

I will run for and with my son!

*If you see me and I have the look of death on my face please refrain from calling 911 and if you think my legs appear overly sweaty kindly throw me a Depends and move on.

Yesterday proved to be a day for the books!
The blonde (a bit too blonde) hair attempting to uphold my deceptive yet understandably far-reaching goal to maintain the age of 29 simply had to go. Suspicion was telling me that just maybe a few folks were on to me anyway.
Sitting in the chair awaiting my "grown up" hair color, my one and only stylist and I chatted away in the lack of presence of children, in itself a small gift. As our topics floated one direction to another it came out that she had just styled one of our foster sons. My heart swelled as she told me all the kind words he said and all the memories he shared with her about his time with us but one thing he said took my breath away. He said that we are the reason he wants to do foster care. This young man always had a smile on and could charm anyone and his heart was and is just as big as that smile. I cannot think of a better foster parent! What a blessing this was to hear and along with my hair taking its new personality I thought to myself "this is a great day"!
I would have settled for that however more blessings were to come my way. No joke, 10 minutes later I received a message from another foster child that saying he misses us a lot and wants to see us and is moving back in our direction. Yet another young man who stole our hearts that we miss daily. Joy was flowing from my eyes just thinking about seeing him again. this guy is one of the funniest and most talented young men out there. If there was a picture in the dictionary for perseverance it would show him! I cannot wait to see him!!
Again this would have been plenty for one day or month for that matter however......
Yep, more blessing! My hair still processing and growing up I was unable to answer a call I received form a friend.  Letting it go to voice mail I was able to check it on speaker (yes I did this in the salon - how rude) but I am pretty sure that all ears that heard it were more than touched just as I was. My friend called only to say how thankful she was to see us celebrate our sons 'firsts', being an example, and telling me I am an amazing mom. As she lovingly spoke these words she spoke so deep into my mommy heart that I wept. I am so glad that I let this call go to voice mail as I can and will keep this forever. Words are so powerful and these were ones I was uplifted by and will never forget.
I am certain that the design of this day was not mine and although the blessings are mine to hold the glory is not mine but belongs to the Creator of it all.
 Today may not be as fluffy feeling as Emmanuel goes for his first doctor appointment. I would love to be able to say that I am prepared for the words that will be spoken today but that would be a lie. In all honesty I rarely feel fear however I am struggling with this today as I look at my sweet boy and know his future holds some big hurdles. Please do not interpret this as deflated joy or lack of hope it is simply reality and together the Neal clan will walk this out along side our little guy. Funny how words can cause so many emotions and have the power to change lives. Praying that the words we hear today our hearts are ready for.
Clinging to that blanket of blessings from yesterday!  

He is home and the joy is overwhelming in the Neal house. Adoption is a gift, a blessing. 

I have shared numerous updates and photos on social media showing the joy and the gladness in our sons face. But..... Yes, there is always a but in adoption. In the spirit of transparency and truth and in hopes to continue to shed light on adoption I will share the not-so joyous moments with you. 

His delightful seemingly endless smile sometimes fades during the day and his eyes look far off to a place I know is thousands of miles away. He has no words to help us understand how he feels. We have to be that in tune with his eyes, his expressions, his story. I wonder if his birth mother is looking off in the distance the same way? Is she looking with thankfulness and hope for her son and his future or is she looking with sadness and an aching heart. The truth is both. 

Emmanuel left behind a birth mother, a foster family, siblings, friends, and the only "normal" he had ever known. Now he is in the frigid state of Minnesota having to wear layers of clothing every day, see new faces, and learn a whole new "normal". 

This is adoption. 

Feelings fluctuate like a roller coaster during the process of bringing your child home and people often think that once your child is home all is well and that roller coaster stops. Nope! Your ride has just begun, a whole new ride with new twists and turns. 

His siblings love him and they are jealous and they are sad that they can't understand him sometimes. Most of his siblings are adopted and bringing him home brought unwanted feeling to the forefronts of their sweet little minds and hearts. Their joy is mixed with a bit of sadness and unanswered questions.

This is adoption.

Our trip to the pumpkin patch and apple orchard was a blast and E's smile was contagious throughout the day (short of the wagon ride he thought was lame) however it was our roughest night yet. He awoke with his first night terror, yes I said first these are a sure bet after bringing your wee one home to some degree. It took quite a while to get him to wake fully and calm down. Our hearts broke for our little boy. What was his mind thinking? His heart feeling? 

This is adoption.

"You are a saint". This is a commonly made statement when people hear stories such as ours. Let me say that this is false and the only time I want to be seen as a saint is when my children refuse to eat my meatloaf and then if it works I'm down. We are not saints. We are willing to walk through the fire over and over again for the sake of our children whether adopted or not but sainthood I think not. I have no idea how to care for his hair, skin, and know little about CP. Saint? No! Quick learner? Yes and this will save my butt. 

This adds another topic. Why do I not know how to care for these basic needs of my son? In order to answer this I must share a story. 

She called me in the middle of the day saying she was going to leave her baby at the homeless drop-in shelter, she couldn't do it anymore and she would come back for her in a few days. This was a mom I had mentored for a while and she was dear to me. As hard as I tried she would not change her mind so I met her there and we drove to the county to discuss her options. Jason and I were new to fostering and were oh so green but we knew the county would be the place to start for her. Props to the county workers who sat for 3 hours trying to help her understand the long term consequences of this decision. The pain was evident in their faces yet they were so gentle with her. In the end baby was was placed in foster care, in our home. Months went by and mom showed no signs of being able to care for her child, not for a lack of love however. We were asked if we would be willing to be her adoptive family. We were overjoyed! We loved this little one as our own. There is this thing called concurrent planning in the system and it works all angles at one time for the best interest of the child long term. As we were planning for upcoming holidays and shopping for cute little outfits the county was working to find any relatives that did or do not want to adopt her. We knew this and were feeling confident as no one had been found willing. The call came just days before we would sign some papers that an aunt had expressed interest in adopting and a worker would be coming soon to pick her up. The pain is still fresh from the loss of our sweet little girl even after all these years. She was gone in an instant leaving a gaping hole in our hearts and one of the hardest things I have ever done is clean out her closet. Thanksgiving and Christmas outfits, tiny socks, a new winter bunting, and stuffed animals that she would never play with again. This is why I do not know how to care for my new son's hair and skin and know little about CP. The what if's are real and painful and there is always time to learn later. 

This is adoption. 

To make your hearts feel better I can tell you that I had the pleasure of talking with that little darling and her aunt a few years ago and she is doing great. 

This too is adoption. 

It takes an unhuman amount of love and bravery combined with an adventurous, lil' bit of crazy, and passionate spirit to adopt. Its not for the faint of heart yet I have seen some of the most soft spoken, seemingly timid folks be the strongest advocates and outstanding adoptive parents ever. Love does not cure or fix the damage from past wounds nor does love ensure a smooth path ahead. Love does however change our outlook, the way we put one foot in front of the other, the way we press on, the way we endure what comes our way, how we parent, how we live through sleepless nights. Love makes us laugh instead of cry with each new behavior or diagnoses. Love carries us through and is without doubt our foundation. 

Adoption is love.  

Meth ravaged through her veins for nearly nine months. This monster in drug form fought to control and kill both mother and child. Meth lost!
Today is World Gratitude Day. Each and every time I look at my daughter I am filled with awe and wonder. She made it, she survived. God had bigger plans for her, a world of promise and hope and every good thing. She is a beautiful story of beyond a conqueror. That tiny peanut came blasting into the world a fighter with no intentions of being less than incredible.
With a plethora of diagnoses and a file two inches thick that little girl became ours forever. Thankfully none of those initials or papers define her. The choices made for her before she was born were not of her own. The woman making those choices was wounded, addicted, beautiful, funny, valuable. She is loved.
All of my children are proud of their stories. It is where they came from and they cherish the women who chose to bring them into this world. Often while at stores or on vacations I am asked to buy a memorabilia for a tummy mommy. Done! Grateful for their hearts and their desire to love.
My children teach me on a daily basis how to love well. The eyes of a child see delight and hope in a world that is routinely dark.
Today, be grateful for your story. Albeit not defining, wonderfully life shaping.

August of this year, just a mere month ago I opened up, I was transparent. I learned (still learning) many things from this. I learned that if I love the unlovable yet don't speak of it, do it away from the general population, and of course attempt to always fix them that this is an acceptable kind of love. However due to my big mouth and outspoken love I continue to be cast out of the circles that give lip service to my exact motives. Those whom I have ministered to as a pastors wife for years that have come to me with stories of deep wounds from the church are now a part of my own story. Truth be told this is a good lesson. I never would have understood the way I do now how it feels.

Here's the kicker... all I've done is love. 

This love comes at such a great cost, yet I won't stop loving because a few religious stone throwers feel the need to force everyone to love with conditions. 

I don't need to defend any specific group of people as most do a fine job on their own. This is an issue of the heart. An issue that is so uncomfortable to people that fear and hate flood their minds and then absolutely ridiculously stupid statements fly out of their mouths. 

Why does how and whom I love anger people so? Does it really matter to you on a deep personal level if I love my ex-con neighbor, Muslim neighbor, or homosexual neighbor? Does how and whom I love consume you so much throughout your day that your focus simply can't stay off of me? News flash... I'm not all that! 

Jessica, why are you so fired up?

I woke this morning to this :

"I just can't take your anti-Biblical, anti-rational stances anymore. I have to unfriend you so that I do not respond. I hope you continue to minister to those with whom you come in contact. I think your ministry to orphans is commendable. I will pray for you."

Is unconditional love that offensive? How sad it is that so many not only miss but willingly ignore the opportunity to love well. My life is richer because of those whom I love and those that love me back. 

Emotions are a pain in the butt and parenting is far too hard some days!

When the twins were brought to us via foster care we were given a mountain of "they may never's, they won't, they cannot's". A plethora of limitations for 8 pound babies was a heavy load to carry. Those words and negative claims drove us as parents to fight even harder for these wee ones. We desired to change their words from "cannot's and never's" into " can's and will's"! Nine appointments per week for nearly five years, advocating until we were blue in the face, refusing to settle, and pouring in strength, positive words, and a strong faith has paid off. This journey is far from over and we often have set backs and new challenges but we embrace them head-on with a fierce determination.
Just yesterday a boy on our 6th grade daughters bus asked her if he paid her if she would perform a sexual act on him. The nauseating feeling that arose in me was one I can't fully describe. However, please don't get stuck on what the boy did as that is not the point. Remember those words and titles? If those were her forever story, her identity, who knows how the outcome of a situation like this would have turned out. That little girl didn't freeze in a state of anxiety, she didn't do what the boy asked out of fear, she got ticked off and told him to shut up. This is huge for her and makes every pain staking appointment gone to, meeting had, and tears shed worth it!
In parenting I find that without humor I wilt and most likely come close to death on a daily basis. So, to give you a bit of a chuckle and insight into my daily life you simply have to know the way in which I was informed of this.
My daughter was in the middle of doing her homework and looks up at me and asks me if I know what a $@*$*$ * is, confidently sure that I didn't and she having learned such wretched information knew it was her obligation to school me. However two other of my children were also doing their homework in the same area. Commence the school lesson I never wanted my children to learn as she spat out her one disgusting sentence explanation leading to mommy's much longer explanation of anatomy and appropriate vs. inappropriate discussion of such parts and their uses. I will have you know that I had a lot of things on my to-do list for the day however this was not one of them.
That courageous sixth grader chose to get on the bus this morning (not mom's 1st choice) and proceed to face this with bold strength. She has a meeting with the AP first thing when she gets to school and the look of empowerment on her face was out of this world as she walked out the door today.
Emotional overload for parents is a continuous roller coaster of joys and pains. Gonna be real here and say I hate roller coasters!

Transparency is a funny thing. We expect it from others yet peddle fast away from daring to expose ourselves this way. Maybe its because the moment we are transparent we are instantly vulnerable leading to possibly being wounded by others. If we are wounded then we face the choice of how to deal with those wounds along with the ones who wounded us. That brings about a whole other dilemma - reconciliation and forgiveness. So now we have our list:
transparency
expectations
vulnerability
wounds
reconciliation
forgiveness
So if we just run back up to the top of the list and scratch the transparency we are good right? Nope! We still have the issue of our desire for others to do so. Back to the top? Yes! Well that is if we truly desire authentic relationships and genuine love. Ahhh, love, that might be what the list is missing. Let's see if  we place love in between each word how would that change our outlook on this?
transparency
LOVE
expectations
LOVE
vulnerability
LOVE
wounds
LOVE
reconciliation
LOVE
forgiveness
LOVE.
Wow, that is much easier on the eyes. Now can we implement this, can we take hold of, and be the people we expect others to be?